Day 2 - January 2, 2010

There's only one day left of break. =\ I didn't have a very productive day today, but the night is still young..ish. I did however finally figure out what I'm doing for my History IA. I still need to do a bit more research, but it was a good advancement.
For some reason, I feel like things have turned around...not completely but I think slowly but surely. =] Something just feels different. I've also realized a major thing in my life...nothing has really changed. I went through some of my old things and a lot of the things I've been iffy about recently have always been in my life; I just never really thought about them in this manner. And yes, I know, in reality, my downs really aren't that bad, I just tend to forget that on occasion. Anywho, I'm back to work. Hasta luego. =]

Oh, and things are definitely flip-flopped.

Day 1 - January 01, 2010

Well, here goes nothing! Not the best picture but I think it captures my new year pretty well. It's interesting to toast and take a picture at the same time. To start off the new year, I finished cleaning my room and now have a bunch of things to donate. I have to say that 2009 definitely wasn't a very good year for me, but I'm hoping that 2010 will bring better memories. Now, it's time for me to stop procrastinating and do my dreaded homework. Welcome to my life. =]

December 31, 2009

And yet another day passes without homework. I was productive though! I cleaned most of my room...until my dad decided he had nowhere better to be than in my room sleeping. Anyways, I'm going to try to do my 365 again but I'm not so sure if it'll work out very well. It's worth a shot though I guess. *sighs* I don't know what to do. I seriously just sat here for an hour trying to figure out what to do when I realized just how isolated I am and as I was sorting through some old things and reminisced about the past....all of this feeling isn't recent. It's actually been like this...all my life. I just never realized it like this before. *even bigger sigh* Oh, how fail I am. So now to just try to "fix" everything. That's all I can do, try. Now, I'm off to finish cleaning.

December 30, 2009

So I've been feeling like a complete wreck lately and most of the devastation occurs during the late hours of the night. (of course) I don't know what I'm going to do to fix it, but I'll fix it eventually. (nevermind that I've been trying to do that for the past year or so) At the moment, I feel like the biggest problem is the lack of feeling needed. TSA is gone...until I (hopefully) become an alumni. Florida Guard is gone. (I only needed a few more action hours! sigh;) School is meh. My grades are still okay, but not where I'd like them. The motivation just isn't there anymore. I don't know. =\
Anyways, my original reason for writing this post...well, this blog...my Project 365. The new year is coming up soon. Should I start Day 1 with the new year? I want to. Maybe the mindset of the whole "it's a new year!" will subconsciously fix everything. haha. It might just work. My mind is weird. I haven't started on my homework; I really need to do that. And I didn't get a chance to make my website like I wanted. I kind of forgot with all this procrastination. xD I spend most of last week laying around and hanging out with my cousins, not wanting to do homework, thinking well...it is break, I should have some time to relax. But, of course, it wasn't really relaxing if I kept thinking about the things I needed to do. So I guess for now, the plan is to start my Project 365 with the start of the new year. If that fails, I'll start it when I'm off to college. That sounds like a good starting point to, plus I'll have more things to photograph, I think. I'm also getting a new lens sometime soonish. *sigh* no se, no se, no se sobre mi vida.

December 28, 2009

I've been long overdue for a blog post and its time to just put everything out there and delete it later. I have an immense feeling of loneliness at the moment. I don't know how I was able to even fall asleep. Anyways, I did and woke up from a really icky feeling, and I realized...I had no one to call. (Well, I could call...but I think I've been enough of an annoyance.) I feel like everything has been flip-flopped. I feel vulnerable. Everything was going so well in the beginning, and what I thought should've only gotten better over time...dwindled and now here I am....feeling..not how I should be feeling. Today is the start of a tremendous amount of homework, even my horoscope agrees. It advises I shut everything out and work. (I hope writing this at 5am doesn't count.)
Anyways, as anyone could guess, Phil and I are kinda funky again. This time, I'd say it was my fault for being so insecure and now I've put myself in a worse situation, far from ideal. Although, it's only been a few days, not talking to him...sucks. I don't know what to do. The consensus is that I should've gotten over him a long long time ago and need to get over him now.....I don't want to do that. It's not something I can describe or even begin to. I just know that no matter how much I complain, while I'm with him..I'm always smiling. I can complain all I want about stupid things, but in the end, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the stupid things that have occurred in the past. All the things I wish never happened...things that I think would make life so much more enjoyable if they had happened differently and I know at exactly whichc points I screwed up.
At the moment, after re-reading what I just typed, I'm starting to tear up and I feel stupid. Lonely..and stupid. Just plain idiotic...not for writing the above...but for getting to where I am. It's not a fun place to be and I wish I wasn't here.
Christmas was fine. Nothing too exciting. Just another reminder that I don't like where I am right now. The cousins came over, that was fun. In regards to presents, uhmm I got Wii Fit Plus. woohoo? Aside from that, nothing really useful. Just things that'd take up more space in my already crowded room. I'm not upset that I didn't get anything "good". I'm upset because it felt like...no one cared. My favorite present is still...the card I got from Phil.
Gah, I don't know. It's not like I got anyone else anything (aside from my family) or have been talking to anyone really. I don't know why I should expect anything. In a sense, I don't feel like initiating anything because I feel like I shouldn't need to be the initiator...like it should be the other way around. But, I know that if I don't do something, why should I think I deserve someone else to?
Ah well, now I'm at a lost for words and falling back asleep. Ah..sleep, an escape from all of this...except for when I end up dreaming about it...

December 3, 2009

First of all, Happy Birthday Jacob!! =D He's 7! So my MLIA: Today, it's my brother's birthday. I spun him around 7 times since he turned 7. I was the one who go dizzy. Anyways, I'm so over and done with school! Gahhhh. 6 more months! I want to get out of IB and into college and just be....somewhere NOT here! Just tired tired tired and bored. It's only 8 and I want to be in bed.

My Birthday! =D

*woooo!* I'm 18!! hehe. Yesterday was awesome. Thanks to everyone that spent the day with me. =] We found 7 geocaches, spent some time at the park, and hung out at my house. I also went to go watch Old Dogs with Phil. It was quite a good movie choice. There were more people then I'd have thought, more of the older crowd. Anyways, I've got lots and lots of pictures to go through. Plans for today include going to church, buy lotto tickets, and going down to Mr. Zhangs for lunch. =D

November 22, 2009

Great geocaching weekend! Can't wait for more geocaching this week. I got a geocaching app for my phone! =D We found 3 geocaches this weekend and a geocoin! =D I'll have to take a picture of it soonish. The meet and greet was pretty cool, but I spent most of time geocaching. We introduced Keoki to it though. So you can't say I didn't mingle! hah.

November 19, 2009

I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break to come!!! Today was an okay day. It could've been better but at least it wasn't worse. I'm really tired and going back to sleep. Can't wait for geocaching this weekend! and meet and greet with pslhs IB kids? more like, hanging out with Kurtis!! =D hah.

November 17, 2009

It is 3:15am and I'm taking a break from my dreaded Extended Essay. I have 3 more sections to complete before I need to freak out about my work count. I currently have 1686 words and the next two sections involved a lot of ranting so I should be fine *crosses fingers* Well, I'm back to work. I have approximately 3 hours to finish this.

Geocache

It is so much fun! Kyle and I found one at Cracker Barrel today before going to the VNA Air Show. The Air Show wasn't as busy this year and we left early. Since it was still daylight, 7 of us decided to go do some more geocaching. We searched 5 areas but came up with nothing. It was super fun though! We found an awesome bridge.I forgot to take a pic of it though. We're definitely going back there next weekend to search for it. The pic to the right is from "Off Your Rocker - Jensen Beach". I definitely got my share of exercise today. My legs are dead, and I'm slightly sunburned on my face. Kyle got raccoon eyes though hah. =P Gahh geocaching is so amazing. =]

November 13, 2009

Overall, okay week of school. Found a geocache today! =D So much fun. Going to find two more tomorrow before the airshow. hehe. Definitely need to do this more often and conquer the area. EE is interesting. Oh, and Happy Birthday Ei-Ei!

Disappointment

Well it's been about 6 hours and still no product. I have come to realize a few things though. Going to LPA has been a waste, minus a few people. I remember one of my main motivations being: I need money, LPA gets a ton of money, therefore I need to go to LPA. FALSE. There is nothing special with that school that I couldn't have accomplished elsewhere. I submitted my college apps the other day and worked on a few scholarships and my major accomplishments were completed NOT at LPA. Almost everything I've done, I think, could have still occurred without having to do through this crap. I no longer feel any purpose. I just don't. The only thing is that if I don't do this then life will just get more complicated, which I don't want. I feel isolated. No amount of talking will change this. He was right. I too wonder where I've gone and that who I've become is not who I am. I need to fix this but how? I have so much built up stress. At this point, I'd rather be a robot and just get things done without a care, but of course, I can't do that. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I put myself in these positions? I feel pathetic. I feel frustrated. I feel laksdjflsdjf. I feel like escaping, disappearing until I get myself together. Never before have I been this discontented with life. Sure sure things could be worse. Things could always be worse, but that doesn't help how I feel right now. I really don't know what else to say. I just feel petty.
My essay is crap. It seriously will be the worse thing I've produced. Worse not really being the essay itself but the one thing I feel disappointed in myself for making. Procrastinating is fine. Not producing work to the best of my abilities is fine. BSing is sometimes fine. Submitting something I don't really put forth myself into is not fine. I'm not sure if that's really making any sense and I hope I'm not putting forth the wrong impression. I just don't know how to explain this feeling I have about this essay. Either way, I suppose it's time for me to get back to working on it. I'm glad we didn't have school today. I wouldn't be able last this week if we had.

November 9, 2009

Meh. Not feeling so well. I wish my blog was more interesting. Not just for you but for me. hah. I'm not quite interesting. Anyways, today went pretty well I suppose. I got 100 on my history quiz! =] and...a 67 on my biology test! xD I have a few things I should do before I go to sleep but yeah, I just don't feel well. I'm also feeling ignored. I have a feeling something's up with Phil. sigh; On the other hand, my EE is due in a week! *dies* I keep feeling like I have another week. My birthday will be here before I know it! oh well.

November 8, 2009

I noticed that the past few days I'd wake up around 5:15am. Well, not really wake up because I'd fall asleep but still. It's odd. Anyways, I slept in a bit today. Then, I paid for my UM application and browsed UF's housing. After, I went with my mom to the asian store. I didn't find anything interesting today. =[ I did get some onion flavored ramen though which was yummy. I'm going to have to a buy a box of that next time, I'm getting tired of beef flavored. xD When I got home, I continued with college related things by searching and applying for scholarships. I completed 2 and in process of 7? It's a start. =D Now, I just need to get in my transcripts and counselor/teacher recommendations. *wooooot* I'm just thatttt much closer to going to college. =D I'm feeling quite confident. Since I've procrastinated on college stuff and caught up with it quite a bit, now I need to focus focus focus on my Extended Essay. But, first....sleep! g'nite! =P

November 7, 2009

I spent the morning helping Kyle sort cans for scouts. Spent the afternoon with the kiddies and the evening with Kyle and Jen. We watched Twilight and V for Vendetta. hah. Twilight because we're seeing New Moon in a few weeks and wanted to introduce Kyle to glittering vampires. and V for Vendetta because the 5th of November had just passed and neither of them had seen the movie. After the movies, I was quite tired. Now, I'm just chillin. Today was quite relaxing and chill. I'm going to sleep early and spend all of tomorrow on work. =]

November 6, 2009

I have been so exhausted all day! I'm actually quite surprised I haven't taken a nap yet. My priorities for this weekend are EE, Spanish Oral, and College Apps. Thank goodness it's Friday! It was about time the weekend came around. The bio test today was horrible. I'll be lucky if I get a C!
For now though, I think I'm going to work on college apps and then go to sleep early. Going to go with Kyle to help with scouts in the morning. Oh oh and I played Pokemon today with Jenny and Jacob. lmfao. I won 2 games. xD

November 5, 2009

Remember remember the 5th of November. heh. Anyways. Harbor Branch days have been going by fast. way to fast, actually. EE is due in a little over a week! gah! =\ I need to do my Spanish oral too. Everything else has been going pretty fine though. I just need to take a breath and keep going. I'm feeling extremely tired right now. I don't really know why. I think I'm going to skim through Biology, then go to sleep. I feel like I'm crashing. Today was a very huh? day. I really need to pick up the pace. It is crucial that I do. I just need a weeeeee bit more motivation and I'll be good to go. My eyes keep closing as I'm typing this so that's a sign that I need to get off of the computer and study before I crash. Good night.

November 4, 2009

oh hai there. =] nothing much to say. I actually don't remember the last time I posted. (that can't be good) but I do know it wasn't too long ago. I'm very bad with the whole time thing. iIm very forgetful. I need to get my spanish oral done even though i don't go for 2 weeks. I also need to get my EE done! lol. That's much much more important. hmm..what else...ooh oh I got a 93 on my history test! =D Aside from that, I went to Harbor Branch again today. It was a pretty chill and quick day. Last night's NCIS was pretty good. Nothing can compare to the first episode of the season though. That episode was EPIC. and there's no Glee today. =[ (now, I'm just being random xD) I was a creeper for about 20minutes today. Woahh is all I can say. Oh and family "drama" is phooey. It's so stupid!!! Words cannot even describe how retarded this situation is. Personally, I think it's getting more complicated then it should and that it's not good for their health. meh. Off to go do homework. hasta luego. =]

November 2, 2009

I got pretty lucky with spanish and english today. I'm escaping with a 3.0 this nine weeks! I did horribly on my Summer test. History quiz went so-so. I couldn't find 3 of the answers. Oh, and I got a leaf on the Tree of Knowledge! =D

"It is imperative to think of others when making decisions but to never forget yourself. It is when you forget yourself that you forget your purpose."

(thank you essay that I had to do for UF) hah.

Yesterday, I pretty much slept all day. I was awake for maybe 3-5 hours total? yep. I felt icky. So, I slept. Definitely didn't help me in the homework area but oh well. Now, I must go work on my CAS book. Oh, and since I forgot to post yesterday.... Happy Birthday Virak and Landon!! =D