And yet another day passes without homework. I was productive though! I cleaned most of my room...until my dad decided he had nowhere better to be than in my room sleeping. Anyways, I'm going to try to do my 365 again but I'm not so sure if it'll work out very well. It's worth a shot though I guess. *sighs* I don't know what to do. I seriously just sat here for an hour trying to figure out what to do when I realized just how isolated I am and as I was sorting through some old things and reminisced about the past....all of this feeling isn't recent. It's actually been like this...all my life. I just never realized it like this before. *even bigger sigh* Oh, how fail I am. So now to just try to "fix" everything. That's all I can do, try. Now, I'm off to finish cleaning.
December 30, 2009
So I've been feeling like a complete wreck lately and most of the devastation occurs during the late hours of the night. (of course) I don't know what I'm going to do to fix it, but I'll fix it eventually. (nevermind that I've been trying to do that for the past year or so) At the moment, I feel like the biggest problem is the lack of feeling needed. TSA is gone...until I (hopefully) become an alumni. Florida Guard is gone. (I only needed a few more action hours! sigh;) School is meh. My grades are still okay, but not where I'd like them. The motivation just isn't there anymore. I don't know. =\
Anyways, my original reason for writing this post...well, this blog...my Project 365. The new year is coming up soon. Should I start Day 1 with the new year? I want to. Maybe the mindset of the whole "it's a new year!" will subconsciously fix everything. haha. It might just work. My mind is weird. I haven't started on my homework; I really need to do that. And I didn't get a chance to make my website like I wanted. I kind of forgot with all this procrastination. xD I spend most of last week laying around and hanging out with my cousins, not wanting to do homework, thinking well...it is break, I should have some time to relax. But, of course, it wasn't really relaxing if I kept thinking about the things I needed to do. So I guess for now, the plan is to start my Project 365 with the start of the new year. If that fails, I'll start it when I'm off to college. That sounds like a good starting point to, plus I'll have more things to photograph, I think. I'm also getting a new lens sometime soonish. *sigh* no se, no se, no se sobre mi vida.
Anyways, my original reason for writing this post...well, this blog...my Project 365. The new year is coming up soon. Should I start Day 1 with the new year? I want to. Maybe the mindset of the whole "it's a new year!" will subconsciously fix everything. haha. It might just work. My mind is weird. I haven't started on my homework; I really need to do that. And I didn't get a chance to make my website like I wanted. I kind of forgot with all this procrastination. xD I spend most of last week laying around and hanging out with my cousins, not wanting to do homework, thinking well...it is break, I should have some time to relax. But, of course, it wasn't really relaxing if I kept thinking about the things I needed to do. So I guess for now, the plan is to start my Project 365 with the start of the new year. If that fails, I'll start it when I'm off to college. That sounds like a good starting point to, plus I'll have more things to photograph, I think. I'm also getting a new lens sometime soonish. *sigh* no se, no se, no se sobre mi vida.
December 28, 2009
I've been long overdue for a blog post and its time to just put everything out there and delete it later. I have an immense feeling of loneliness at the moment. I don't know how I was able to even fall asleep. Anyways, I did and woke up from a really icky feeling, and I realized...I had no one to call. (Well, I could call...but I think I've been enough of an annoyance.) I feel like everything has been flip-flopped. I feel vulnerable. Everything was going so well in the beginning, and what I thought should've only gotten better over time...dwindled and now here I am....feeling..not how I should be feeling. Today is the start of a tremendous amount of homework, even my horoscope agrees. It advises I shut everything out and work. (I hope writing this at 5am doesn't count.)
Anyways, as anyone could guess, Phil and I are kinda funky again. This time, I'd say it was my fault for being so insecure and now I've put myself in a worse situation, far from ideal. Although, it's only been a few days, not talking to him...sucks. I don't know what to do. The consensus is that I should've gotten over him a long long time ago and need to get over him now.....I don't want to do that. It's not something I can describe or even begin to. I just know that no matter how much I complain, while I'm with him..I'm always smiling. I can complain all I want about stupid things, but in the end, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the stupid things that have occurred in the past. All the things I wish never happened...things that I think would make life so much more enjoyable if they had happened differently and I know at exactly whichc points I screwed up.
At the moment, after re-reading what I just typed, I'm starting to tear up and I feel stupid. Lonely..and stupid. Just plain idiotic...not for writing the above...but for getting to where I am. It's not a fun place to be and I wish I wasn't here.
Christmas was fine. Nothing too exciting. Just another reminder that I don't like where I am right now. The cousins came over, that was fun. In regards to presents, uhmm I got Wii Fit Plus. woohoo? Aside from that, nothing really useful. Just things that'd take up more space in my already crowded room. I'm not upset that I didn't get anything "good". I'm upset because it felt like...no one cared. My favorite present is still...the card I got from Phil.
Gah, I don't know. It's not like I got anyone else anything (aside from my family) or have been talking to anyone really. I don't know why I should expect anything. In a sense, I don't feel like initiating anything because I feel like I shouldn't need to be the initiator...like it should be the other way around. But, I know that if I don't do something, why should I think I deserve someone else to?
Ah well, now I'm at a lost for words and falling back asleep. Ah..sleep, an escape from all of this...except for when I end up dreaming about it...
Anyways, as anyone could guess, Phil and I are kinda funky again. This time, I'd say it was my fault for being so insecure and now I've put myself in a worse situation, far from ideal. Although, it's only been a few days, not talking to him...sucks. I don't know what to do. The consensus is that I should've gotten over him a long long time ago and need to get over him now.....I don't want to do that. It's not something I can describe or even begin to. I just know that no matter how much I complain, while I'm with him..I'm always smiling. I can complain all I want about stupid things, but in the end, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the stupid things that have occurred in the past. All the things I wish never happened...things that I think would make life so much more enjoyable if they had happened differently and I know at exactly whichc points I screwed up.
At the moment, after re-reading what I just typed, I'm starting to tear up and I feel stupid. Lonely..and stupid. Just plain idiotic...not for writing the above...but for getting to where I am. It's not a fun place to be and I wish I wasn't here.
Christmas was fine. Nothing too exciting. Just another reminder that I don't like where I am right now. The cousins came over, that was fun. In regards to presents, uhmm I got Wii Fit Plus. woohoo? Aside from that, nothing really useful. Just things that'd take up more space in my already crowded room. I'm not upset that I didn't get anything "good". I'm upset because it felt like...no one cared. My favorite present is still...the card I got from Phil.
Gah, I don't know. It's not like I got anyone else anything (aside from my family) or have been talking to anyone really. I don't know why I should expect anything. In a sense, I don't feel like initiating anything because I feel like I shouldn't need to be the initiator...like it should be the other way around. But, I know that if I don't do something, why should I think I deserve someone else to?
Ah well, now I'm at a lost for words and falling back asleep. Ah..sleep, an escape from all of this...except for when I end up dreaming about it...
December 3, 2009
First of all, Happy Birthday Jacob!! =D He's 7! So my MLIA: Today, it's my brother's birthday. I spun him around 7 times since he turned 7. I was the one who go dizzy. Anyways, I'm so over and done with school! Gahhhh. 6 more months! I want to get out of IB and into college and just be....somewhere NOT here! Just tired tired tired and bored. It's only 8 and I want to be in bed.
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