I've been long overdue for a blog post and its time to just put everything out there and delete it later. I have an immense feeling of loneliness at the moment. I don't know how I was able to even fall asleep. Anyways, I did and woke up from a really icky feeling, and I realized...I had no one to call. (Well, I could call...but I think I've been enough of an annoyance.) I feel like everything has been flip-flopped. I feel vulnerable. Everything was going so well in the beginning, and what I thought should've only gotten better over time...dwindled and now here I am....feeling..not how I should be feeling. Today is the start of a tremendous amount of homework, even my horoscope agrees. It advises I shut everything out and work. (I hope writing this at 5am doesn't count.)
Anyways, as anyone could guess, Phil and I are kinda funky again. This time, I'd say it was my fault for being so insecure and now I've put myself in a worse situation, far from ideal. Although, it's only been a few days, not talking to him...sucks. I don't know what to do. The consensus is that I should've gotten over him a long long time ago and need to get over him now.....I don't want to do that. It's not something I can describe or even begin to. I just know that no matter how much I complain, while I'm with him..I'm always smiling. I can complain all I want about stupid things, but in the end, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the stupid things that have occurred in the past. All the things I wish never happened...things that I think would make life so much more enjoyable if they had happened differently and I know at exactly whichc points I screwed up.
At the moment, after re-reading what I just typed, I'm starting to tear up and I feel stupid. Lonely..and stupid. Just plain idiotic...not for writing the above...but for getting to where I am. It's not a fun place to be and I wish I wasn't here.
Christmas was fine. Nothing too exciting. Just another reminder that I don't like where I am right now. The cousins came over, that was fun. In regards to presents, uhmm I got Wii Fit Plus. woohoo? Aside from that, nothing really useful. Just things that'd take up more space in my already crowded room. I'm not upset that I didn't get anything "good". I'm upset because it felt like...no one cared. My favorite present is still...the card I got from Phil.
Gah, I don't know. It's not like I got anyone else anything (aside from my family) or have been talking to anyone really. I don't know why I should expect anything. In a sense, I don't feel like initiating anything because I feel like I shouldn't need to be the initiator...like it should be the other way around. But, I know that if I don't do something, why should I think I deserve someone else to?
Ah well, now I'm at a lost for words and falling back asleep. Ah..sleep, an escape from all of this...except for when I end up dreaming about it...
Anyways, as anyone could guess, Phil and I are kinda funky again. This time, I'd say it was my fault for being so insecure and now I've put myself in a worse situation, far from ideal. Although, it's only been a few days, not talking to him...sucks. I don't know what to do. The consensus is that I should've gotten over him a long long time ago and need to get over him now.....I don't want to do that. It's not something I can describe or even begin to. I just know that no matter how much I complain, while I'm with him..I'm always smiling. I can complain all I want about stupid things, but in the end, I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the stupid things that have occurred in the past. All the things I wish never happened...things that I think would make life so much more enjoyable if they had happened differently and I know at exactly whichc points I screwed up.
At the moment, after re-reading what I just typed, I'm starting to tear up and I feel stupid. Lonely..and stupid. Just plain idiotic...not for writing the above...but for getting to where I am. It's not a fun place to be and I wish I wasn't here.
Christmas was fine. Nothing too exciting. Just another reminder that I don't like where I am right now. The cousins came over, that was fun. In regards to presents, uhmm I got Wii Fit Plus. woohoo? Aside from that, nothing really useful. Just things that'd take up more space in my already crowded room. I'm not upset that I didn't get anything "good". I'm upset because it felt like...no one cared. My favorite present is still...the card I got from Phil.
Gah, I don't know. It's not like I got anyone else anything (aside from my family) or have been talking to anyone really. I don't know why I should expect anything. In a sense, I don't feel like initiating anything because I feel like I shouldn't need to be the initiator...like it should be the other way around. But, I know that if I don't do something, why should I think I deserve someone else to?
Ah well, now I'm at a lost for words and falling back asleep. Ah..sleep, an escape from all of this...except for when I end up dreaming about it...
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